SYMPTOM: beer unusually pale and tasteless

FAULT: glass empty

ACTION: get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

FAULT: mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face

ACTION: retire to gent's room, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM: feet cold and wet

FAULT: glass being held at incorrect angle

ACTION: rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM: feet warm and wet

FAULT: improper bladder control

ACTION: stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer

SYMPTOM: floor blurred

FAULT: you are looking through bottom of empty glass

ACTION: get someone to get you another beer

SYMPTOM: floor moving

FAULT: you are being carried out

ACTION: find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

FAULT: you have fallen over backward

ACTION: have yourself leashed to bar

SYMPTOM: mouth contains cigarette butts

FAULT: you have fallen forward

ACTION: see above

SYMPTOM: room seems unusually dark

FAULT: bar has closed

ACTION: confirm one address with bartender